I’m autistic – can I be a leader? (part 1)

I started my civil service career on the Fast Stream (an accelerated development programme for graduates) which meant from the very start I was thinking about whether I could get into the Senior Civil Service. Getting from the Fast Stream to SCS would mean a minimum of two and a maximum of four promotions depending on whether any grades were skipped, so I’d envisaged myself as a promotable sort of person. (There’s an explainer on civil service grade structures here if you want one.) I got my autism diagnosis when I was half way to my goal and working as a middle manager, and already things were a struggle. So while the diagnosis was brilliant in explaining a lot of things about me that I’d blamed myself for, it also made me feel that leadership was now out of reach. I still struggle with whether that’s the case because of my attacks of self doubt, but I’m hoping that by being open I’ll encourage more autistic leaders to come forward and go for the top.

When I was an (undiagnosed) middle manager I was having difficulty reading between the lines, picking up the unspoken cues, and working out why colleagues didn’t seem to think in the same way I did. I might be working out what needed to be done in a situation and, as a manager, need to bring people with me. I thought I was doing that, but I got feedback that people didn’t feel they’d “come on the journey” with me. Why hadn’t I shared my thought processes as I was going along?

I gradually came to realise that the problem was my brain just doesn’t work as other staff expected. As a very crude explanation, I take in all the information about a problem, churn it around in my brain for a while and out pops the answer. I really can’t tell you what the intermediate stages were to reaching that answer because I don’t know. But people were upset with me because they thought I’d kept the intermediate steps from them and should have shared and discussed them. They didn’t feel involved in my thought process. Did that mean I was just too different to be a leader?

In some ways thinking differently is an advantage of course, but it can also make it difficult to lead. In an ideal world when working out a new plan, everyone would be involved and would gradually see the way forward emerging from everyone’s input, to ensure they had buy-in. To some extent I can manage and lead that process, but with really hard problems I have to use my brain in the way that works most effectively which – for me – is thinking autistically. I honestly can’t work out something stepwise – A to B, then B to C etc. I jump A to Z and then fill in the gaps in the middle in a patchwork.

Once I got my diagnosis and realised what the problem was, I could manage it more effectively. I understood that my staff’s expectations were of something I simply couldn’t give them. The way I tackled that was to explain as best I could why I couldn’t do what they expected. That meant beginning to be more open about my autism. I feared the stigma associated with the popular culture image of autism and I was sadly proved right in my fear quite a few times. But largely my colleagues were supportive. I could get other staff who were good at working out intermediate steps in a plan to lead development of what needed doing once I had figured out some kind of vision. And also me being open began to give other people permission to be more open about the things they found hard.

I gradually came to realise that the stereotype of a leader that many of us have – derived from the academic literature as well as our cultural norms – is of a hero who can handle anything and be all things to all people. Having that kind of leader might be reassuring in a crisis (the heroic leader who can do the impossible in a story) but in real life it’s actually profoundly disempowering. If your leader is bulletproof and can do anything, what exactly are you contributing?

So building on that idea I started to reinvent myself to be a leader who needs help from others. I know what I can do and I know what I can’t do (broadly!). I have reasonable adjustments at work and I need colleagues to check things for me sometimes. If I’m handling a difficult interpersonal situation that requires reading between the lines, I’ll get a neurotypical person to help me make sure I’ve worked out what’s going on accurately, and also that the words I’ve chose will (hopefully!) have the effect that I intend.

I still make mistakes caused by my autistic brain, obviously, but I really do think that autistic people can be leaders. In fact, because we have to double check and think about everything, instead of acting on instinct, and because we need to make use of the skills around us to patch the gaps in what we can’t do ourselves, we can actually be very effective in getting the most out of a team. After all, would you rather have a superhero who can speak without needing to think, or someone who thinks about every word they says and really needs you?