Drop the Mask!

It’s becoming better known that autistic professionals generally “mask” a lot, meaning that we hide our autism in order to fit in with those around us, to avoid being judged, and to maximise the impact we have at work. Masking takes up a lot of energy and concentration – equivalent to speaking a foreign language the whole time. So kindly friends who know we’re autistic sometimes suggest we don’t need to mask around them. It’s very difficult to drop a habit that’s been trained into you your whole life – but if you do, what would it actually look like?

Looking autistic

A few days a go I wrote about people saying “you don’t look autistic” – if I stopped masking would I actually “look autistic”? Well, probably not because I still wouldn’t conform to the autistic stereotype of a young male. But here are some of the behaviours that I make an effort to hide or avoid that might come out if I really did drop the mask.

Non sequiturs. My brain skips from idea to idea, making patterns and links between things that most people’s brains don’t. I usually don’t vocalise those thoughts and ideas because they are disconcerting or appear to be non sequiturs i.e. things that don’t follow on. For example, I am looking at a picture of some roses, which has made me think of the roses my grandparents used to have on their place mats, which leads on to placemats having cork on the back, and corks come in wine bottles but Cork is also a place in Ireland, so I’m mildly tempted to say “I wonder if they drink much wine in Cork?” which would sound extremely random given I’m looking at a rose pattern.

Not identifying the right thing as important. My brain doesn’t seem to have the filters that screen out things that are unimportant so I notice everything and I won’t necessarily notice the thing I’m supposed to notice. So if someone showed off their new outfit to me, instead of thinking/saying “what a beautiful outfit” (the significant thing to notice and comment on) I might go with “that’s an interest fastening you have on your shoe straps”. People find it odd when you do that.

Tactlessness. Noticing non-expected things also leads to being tempted to comment on them before I’ve thought if that’s a good idea or not. Masking consists of reminding myself to pause before blurting something out, or deflecting myself onto something it’s socially acceptable to blurt out. As for example, “gosh what a beautiful necklace” would be socially acceptable but “wow – you’re looking really tired” wouldn’t be.

Sitting on the floor. I don’t know if this is common in autistic people but I certainly only know where my limbs are if I’m getting some kind of sensory input from them. At the moment I wake up, for example, I have no idea what position I’m in until I move and get some sensory input. In my case this leads to me wanting to sit bunched up, ideally on the floor, so I’m getting as much sensory input as possible. Sitting on the floor, I’ve learned from experience, leads to people asking if you’re OK, giving you funny looks or, in some cases, calling security. So I don’t do that. Much.

Stimming. Autistic people often have repetitive movements that we use to calm sensory overload. Hand flapping is a well-known one but there are plenty more such as fidgeting with a pen or a small toy, tapping a leg or a foot etc. Neurotypical people find these distracting so I keep my stims off camera or small-scale to avoid freaking people out.

Helping to unmask

Having read just a sample of the things I might do if I weren’t masking (all autistic people are different but other autistic people are likely to have similar things) you can probably see that just “dropping the mask” isn’t all that easy. If I did it completely straight away, I would probably get interpreted as being rude, odd, unfocussed, and unprofessional. (MORE rude, odd, unfocussed and professional tbh.) Friends might think they could take it, but if they asked “do I look fat in this?” and got the unmasked answer of “yes – you do rather” they might regret it.

If you want to be supportive, don’t say “you can drop the mask with me” unless you’re really really sure you know what that means and you’re ready for it. If the autistic person trusts you and then you reject them for their autistic behaviours that will cause immense harm. A safer option would be to say “please feel free to express your autism a bit more if you want to”. We’ve been rejected too often because of accidental unmasked moments to feel confident being ourselves straight away so this would be a much less high-stakes way in.

I’m afraid there is no easy option. Saying “just be yourself” to a neurotypical person is a fairly bland affirmation, but saying “just be yourself” to an autistic is a much higher risk affair on both sides. The common autistic experience is to hear “just be yourself!” rapidly followed by “no! Not like THAT!”