What do I do if I think someone is autistic?

You’ve read about the autistic experience and it strikes you that the autistic traits sound like something you’ve seen in someone you know. About 1 in every 100 people are autistic so this scenario is fairly likely to happen. It’s almost inevitable that you know autistic people but many autistics don’t have a diagnosis yet. So you’re thinking that your friend/colleague/family member is possibly an undiagnosed autistic – what do you do about it?

Doing nothing is always a good option

Doing nothing was one of Sir Humphrey Appleby‘s top recommendations but I’m not just suggesting it just because I’m a civil servant. If you think someone you know is autistic you immediately have the potential to do a lot of harm, and if you’re not confident of what you’re doing then the best thing you can do is nothing. Speaking as an autistic “getting the words wrong and upsetting people” is pretty much my specialist subject so you can trust me on this one.

How? Well suppose you go up to someone and say: “I think you’re autistic – have you ever thought about that?” Unless you’re a doctor in a professional setting, that would be an inappropriate thing to say. Amateur diagnosis is seldom a good idea to start with – you may well be wrong. Even if you’re right, the person you’re talking to may have a diagnosis and not want to be open about it. That’s absolutely fine and unless you are their next of kin then you should probably keep your nose out of their personal information. Equally, the person you’re talking to may be one of the people who’s undiagnosed and might be upset about your suggestion. Autism carries a big stigma, so your suggestion could be heard as an insult. It’s a big deal to tell someone you think they have a disability. So don’t do that.

Are you autistic yourself?

If you are autistic then you have more license to speak than if you don’t. To illustrate that, consider the difference in meaning between “you’re bad at maths” and “I’m bad at maths too”. The first is a critical judgement, the second is an expression of solidarity. Every autistic adult who ever got a diagnosis had to start working out from someone‘s life or testimony that they might be autistic, and you could be that person. Talking about your experiences can help and you can gently highlight traits in yourself that are autistic that relate to the traits you’ve seen in the person you’re talking to.

Many adults find autobiographies and writings by autistic people very useful and relatable so you might suggest your possible-autistic read some of those to see if anything resonates with them. Once an adult has begun to recognise themselves in the testimony of diagnosed autistics, then it’s my (unprofessional, unqualified, entirely anecdotal) experience that they are well on their way to considering seeking a diagnosis.

Are you the parent or carer of an autistic person?

Carers of autistic people have a great deal of knowledge about autism but also potentially a lot of emotional baggage. I’m speaking outside my lived experience here so please forgive me, but I have observed that quite often the parent or carer of an autistic will dismiss or prejudge whether someone else is autistic dependant on how like or unlike they are to the cared-for person. “You must be/can’t be autistic because you are/aren’t like my child” is a very understandable thing to say, but it probably won’t help someone who’s just beginning to wonder if they’re autistic. The deep knowledge of one autistic person could cloud your view of what autism is and isn’t, so if possible I would suggest that parents and carers should hang back.

So – what do you do/say?

What you can do is to make some no-regrets changes that would help the person you’re talking to if they do happen to be autistic. You could try to avoid too much non-literal language. The chances are making your meaning clearer will help everyone so it’s a win win situation! You could also keep an eye out for them dodging major social events – would they be happier having a coffee one on one? Perhaps your friend or colleague would like to agree clear plans in advance and then stick to them? To avoid loud noises and strong sensory distractions? You could cut them some slack if they say something tactless rather than taking the mickey. I’ve done a list of potential reasonable adjustments for work places but its fairly easy to see how these kinds of things can be adjusted to help anyone you know who you think might be autistic. Doing all of these things isn’t going to do any harm if they aren’t autistic, and if they are it could be the beginning of the transformation of their life.

When to go further…

If, having done those things, the person later tells you that they’ve noticed and really appreciated the changes you’ve made or the extra sensitivity you’ve shown, then you might use that opening to say that you’d picked those ideas up from a blog about autism. You could suggest that if the person wanted to explore whether adjustments for autism would help them (whether or not they’re autistic, of course!) then they might want to read more on the subject. It’s very important that the possible-autistic person remains in control since lack of control can be so deeply uncomfortable for us.

So my overriding advice is to tread carefully and to let the person who may be autistic lead investigation of their own situation. It’s their brain not yours. If you’re in any doubt at all, it won’t do any harm to:

• Listen more
• Judge slower
• Don’t assume
• If in doubt, ask.