Autistic conflict resolution

If you get into a row with an autistic person, you’re generally in for the long haul. (Gross generalisation, but if you want to argue about it, the comment function is open and the century is yet young… ) If I feel that something is Wrong with a capital W (and that could be either wrong = incorrect or wrong = immoral) then I am unable to compromise with it. I will worry away at it like a dog at a bone and be unable to let it go. The danger is that a discussion can get into a loop and become a damaging row because the actual point on which I can’t compromise can get packaged up in a million added on issues until it feels like a fight for good against evil. Which is seldom what is actually happening. And then once things HAVE gone wrong, putting them back together can result in some really stressful Difficult Conversations. It’s all deeply uncomfortable.

This blog was provoked by an article on managing conflict taking neurodiversity into account that was shared on social media by a very good and thoughtful friend. What first got me thinking was the section about how what the author calls “trying a less intense approach” can be really helpful in resolving things. Suppose I am being an autistic pain in the bum, which is not unknown. I may have said the wrong thing or upset someone or similar. I would very much want to know if I’ve done that so that I don’t do it again, but the classic neurotypical way of telling me would be deeply stressful and uncomfortable to me, provoking a defensive response.

As an example, here’s what might happen. A neurotypical colleague tipping me off to my behaviour is likely to:

• gently draw me aside (gentleness sets my teeth on edge),
• invite me for a “quiet chat” (really anxiety-inducing and socially difficult – what does the code phrase “quiet chat actually mean??” – it certainly means something serious is coming but I have no idea what),
• using a very kind tone (which may well feel patronising, and I can’t stand being patronised),
• hint at what I’ve done wrong. Which I probably won’t understand, because if I could pick up a hint I’d have realised when it happened.
• My neurotypical colleague might then become more serious and explain that they’re trying to tell me something important – subtext and emotional context will be dripping off every word, which is difficult and stressful for me.

By this point, I’m confused, anxious and deeply uncomfortable and will say anything to get this experience to stop. Which might include “oh shove off!” which is probably not a great conflict-resolution script. I feel intensely stressed just imagining this situation (which has happened a fair few times) never mind experiencing it.

A better strategy to correct me would be a more humorous approach or at least one that’s markedly less portentous. As for example using a light tone of voice and saying: “you said X and that was the wrong thing to say, so please don’t say it again”. To which I would respond (I hope): “okey dokey – noted – sorry about that”. Much less stressful.

On reflection, possibly the reason I can’t bear to be handled really REALLY carefully by a person for whom the conversation is a Very Big Deal is because it plays into all my autistic sensitivities about being different. I’ve spent my whole life trying to fit in and not cause trouble, so being treated like an unexploded bomb is a signal that I’ve failed and am weird and scary. I try to avoid causing emotion in others because my hyper-empathy to their emotions would make that stressful. Someone else tip-toeing around an issue (for the best intentions) is a red flag that there are anxious about how I’ll react, putting extra pressure on me to mask and come across as neurotypical, which I can’t do. So ultimately it tells me I’m not good enough as a person, which is not pleasant.

So, to return to where I started, if I happen to be worrying away like a dog at a bone about something I consider to be Wrong with a capital W, a gentle hyper-tactful response is probably not going to help. If you would like to resolve a conflict with an autistic person, it’s probably helpful to take the emotion out of the equation, moderate your expectations of compromise, and focus on what you actually want to happen in real life. In the last analysis “we’ll have to accept that we disagree on this” (outcome = the argument stops) is always a decent option.