Love it!

Today is St Valentine’s Day and if you’re in a relationship and had forgotten that, you are probably in DEEP trouble so stop reading this and go and buy a card/chocolates/flowers/books-on-partner’s-Special Interest IMMEDIATELY.

Those who are still here, I’ll assume you’re either single or well organised.

As it happens, being single and well organised are parts of the autistic stereotype to which I conform. However, all autistics are different (hint: we are people, and all people are different) so plenty of others are in successful long-term relationships. The stereotype that autistics have no empathy leads on to the stereotype that we are incapable of romantic love, which is definitely not the case. It might be that an autistic seeking a partner is more likely to find them at a social club or interest group than a pub or a nightclub (both of which can be overwhelming to the senses) but there’s absolutely no reason why they shouldn’t find one.

Being socially clumsy, or literal, can make romantic love more problematic but not impossible. My own experience has been that the difficulty in picking up hints (or telling the difference between honesty and manipulation) sets you up for humiliation, but if you’re sufficiently determined that can be overcome. The autistic tendency to be very all or nothing can also add challenges – if you see things in extremes (you see people you know as wholly good or wholly bad, for example) then as soon as the beloved does something even slightly wrong they fall off their “wholly good” pedestal into the “wholly bad” category. So if you’re the kind of autistic who is looking for perfection and will settle for nothing less, your chances of success butt up against human reality. Relationships depend on compromise and flexibility and those are not automatically autistic strengths. Nonetheless, although it may well be more difficult for an autistic person to find and keep a partner than a neurotypical person, many succeed and are very happy. And of course there’s a good chance that autistic parents lead to autistic children.

Another factor of autistic love that’s worth mentioning is the need for absolute truth and inability to compromise and how that can play out in terms of sexuality. Research shows autistic people are more likely to identify as LGBTQ+ than the neurotypical average. I’m not aware that anyone has shown why that should be, but I believe it’s because of the unwillingness to compromise on the truth. If you were (say) gay and living a hundred years ago, you would have a choice about how much to live your true identity and how much to tone it down because society disapproved. I imagine that while a neurotypical person might choose a quiet life, an autistic person in that situation would be unlikely to hide their true self because of their commitment to truth. Which could well lead to problems. Alan Turing’s case is illustrative of the problems. Nowadays trans autistics can find themselves with similar struggles to have their identities recognised, including society assuming that because they are autistic they are not entitled to be believed about who they are.

All of which brings me round to the most important thing I can ever think of to say about autism which is that autistic voices need to be heard. It’s easy to assume that autistic people don’t fall in love or get married – but they do. It’s easy to dismiss what an autistic person says about their life because of prejudice against autism – but they know themselves better than you do. Society as a whole (and potential romantic partners!) need to listen to autistic people more and judge us slower. We might get the words wrong sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we are incapable of love, and it would be lovely to be loved for ourselves, rather than the efficiency of the mask we manage to put on.

St Valentine seems to have been a Christian Martyr in the Third Century and – far from being a love god – appears to have been a priest. (Sorry to the priests of my acquaintance for that stereotype.) He was martyred on 14 February, for having ministered to persecuted Christians. This was before the time when Christianity was a socially acceptable thing in the Roman Empire. If you’re feeling a bit Goth and tired of all the pink and hearts, you can find a picture of Valentine’s alleged skull (covered in flowers actually) here. It’s gross. You’re welcome.

This post has not been brought to you by a collect for St Valentine’s Day because a bit of hasty Googling has failed to produce one on an official website, but here is a relevant prayer:

Almighty and everlasting God, who didst enkindle the flame of Thy love in the heart of thy holy martyr Valentine: Grant to us, thy humble servants, a like faith and power of love, that we who rejoice in his triumph may profit by his example; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.