Outward and inward attack

Autism carries a lot of stigma and autistics are suffering minor (or major) aggressions and cruelties every day in every country in the world. Unfortunately, while many of those are from other people, which is bad enough, quite a few of them are from within our own heads. It seems to be an autistic trait to beat oneself up over the slightest thing, and having started we can find things hard to let go. We’ve spent our whole lives having to live in a neurotypical society that wasn’t built for us, and so it’s probably not all that surprising that we pick up some of that society’s prejudice even against ourselves.

There are lots of turns of phrase in our language that aren’t great for autistic people ranging from the well-intentioned mistake to fairly naked prejudice. There’s also stigma, the perception that autistic employees, friends and children are going to be “difficult” and possibly “not worth it”. It’s all very toxic, when you begin to realise that you yourself believe that people like you are not worth as much as the “normal” people. [Note to self: autistic people are worth just as much as neurotypical people; ability does not equal worth; mental health support here.]

An autistic person like me can be overwhelmed with the distress of having to apologise for a mistake because of the social awkwardness even though it was probably autism that caused the mistake. So I may find myself in a downward spiral of self-blame for the discomfort of the solution to the problem that was caused by the autism, which was not actually my fault. Getting in your own head can be such a bad thing to do.

One strategy for standing up for yourself can of course be to call out the prejudice against yourself. What you’re saying is true, so why don’t people listen? The world is full of injustice and that hurts and needs to stop. But your autistic way of defending yourself with truth and logic may well not work. Telling people what they’re doing wrong can make them double down on it or lash out in their own defence. So now you discover you’ve failed to change anything, plus you’re (probably) in more trouble because you’ve been even more autistic at someone who was a bit prejudiced at autistics. So you feel like a fool.

I’ve written about the virtues of restraint and it can be a very good thing when confronted with people saying stupid and hurtful things, to reply calmly and to be the better person. But equally that can be exhausting. A soft answer may not only turn away wrath, it might also actually lead to a change in thinking. Which is what we’re aiming for. Or it may lead to no change at all, and depression for the autistic person who is suffering.

Today is the Second Sunday in Lent, which is the period of forty days running up to Easter when Christians may fast, and many people nowadays use it as a time to give up chocolate or some such indulgence. It’s equally worthwhile though to give up an intangible indulgence such as (for example) being self-righteous, or preachy, or beating yourself up. The special prayer for today is about attacks from outside and from inside and really chimes with me. If you’re autistic you probably spend quite a lot of time beating yourself up for the autistic things you do that you can’t help. It might be nice to be able to give some of that up this Lent, as well as the chocolate…

This post has been brought to you by the Collect for the Second Sunday in Lent which is about defending us from attacks both external and internal.

ALMIGHTY God, who seest that we have no power of ourselves to help ourselves: Keep us both outwardly in our bodies, and inwardly in our souls; that we may be defended from all adversities which may happen to the body, and from all evil thoughts which may assault and hurt the soul; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.