Letting things fall away

When I realised I was autistic it was a great relief to know why I seemed to be weird and why everything was a struggle. But it also meant I had to give up some of my old identities. It might not seem something like something you’d notice, but the majority of people identify themselves as a non-disabled person. I identified myself like that and I had to give it up. It was hard to let it go – not being disabled seemed like a very important thing to be. Losing it felt like losing all kinds of possibilities and strengths. What I had to replace it – my identity as an autistic, disabled person – was unknown. Would I like this “new” person I turned out to be?

As things turned out, I doubt I’ve ever done a better or more useful thing than get my autism diagnosis. But going through the process of adaptation to the new situation was painful. As an autistic person, I was particularly distrustful of change, and I have always feared loss extremely. So how to accept a loss, even in the cause of reaching something that turned out to be better?

Today is Ascension Day, the day when the Christian Church remembers Jesus rising up into Heaven. This day celebrates the end of Jesus’ earthly Ministry begun at his birth on Christmas Day, and climaxing with his death and then return to life on Easter Sunday. Christians believe, from what it says in the Bible, that Jesus had to leave his disciples on Earth in order for them shortly to receive the Spirit of God instead, which would support them as the Christian Church began to grow and flourish. The Disciples were very sorry to see Jesus go – they regretted the loss of their dream that he would “restore the kingdom of Israel” and didn’t know what this Spirit of God would turn out to be, and whether they would like it. It was a difficult change process where they had to give up something hugely significant in order to gain something uncertain, but ultimately better.

You can probably tell that I, with the subtlety of a bull in a china shop, am drawing a parallel between two situations where something familiar and loved had to be given up in order to move on to something better. There are a million such situations, and there are also plenty of situations when one is tricked into giving something up on the promise of something that turns out to be worse. So there’s no point going all dewy eyed about change. But for me, an important part of redeeming and moving on from the past was being able to give up that non-disabled identity and move on to who I really was. If you’re contemplating seeking a diagnosis or wondering whether you might be autistic, it can be very worrying to seek answers, but my own experience is that it is definitely worth it.

This post has been brought to you by the Collect for Ascension Day:

Grant, we pray, almighty God,

that as we believe your only-begotten Son our Lord Jesus Christ

to have ascended into the heavens,

so we in heart and mind may also ascend

and with him continually dwell;

who is alive and reigns with you,

in the unity of the Holy Spirit,

one God, now and for ever.