Too many people!

I went to a very interesting conference this week. There were lots of talks and panel events and an exhibition hall full of stalls. All very worthwhile – and yet… And yet… until I worked out how to manage myself in that environment, it was near to torture. I arrived mid morning and went to a session on accessibility which was very good (except the display screens were a bit intermittent which made it hard to focus) and I managed to arrive in enough time to bag a seat at the end of a row though, which meant I had one side where there weren’t people ALL around me. I got through the session OK but was feeling a bit stressed because of the volume of people, the noise levels and the flashing screen.

Then I had a gap of about an hour until my next session so I decided that was the moment to look at the exhibition hall. This was my mistake. Around midday the exhibition hall was absolutely heaving with people – it was loud, it was hot, and it was crowded. Just being in that environment made me immediately stressed, and yet my autistic conscientiousness meant I felt I had to look at every stall. There was very little room to get along the rows between stalls so I kept being held up and having too many people in my personal space. I had brought my noise-cancelling headphones with me, but I realised I was too stressed that someone might try to talk to me and I wouldn’t hear them and seem rude to actually use them. And owing to my autistic tendency not to notice how I feel or how stressed I am, I didn’t realise how bad it was until it stopped.

Once I had – methodically – up one aisle and down the next – been to every stall I decided I could allow myself a break. Intellectually my brain was saying “you’re autistic and it’s OK to find this environment overwhelming so why don’t you get away from it for a bit?” but somehow I found it hard to accept that. Possibly my internalised ableism was telling me I should just try harder and get the maximum value out of my time at this conference by doing more things. I walked a nice long way away from the main hall, found a quiet spot, sat down with a book, and things soon improved.

For the rest of the day, I actually enjoyed myself a lot more. I met a number of colleagues from previous roles who I was happy to see again, and went to some very good panel sessions. But really I think the enjoyment came from the fact that I’d found how to escape when I needed to. In the morning I hadn’t known there was somewhere quiet to escape to and I hadn’t felt able to accept that I needed such a thing. In the afternoon I knew where I could have alone time and had noticed how much difference it made. And actually just knowing my needs could be met, meant I was much less stressed, and didn’t in fact need another alone-time break.