Why did You make me broken?

It’s a weird moment when you face that you’re disabled if you have religious faith – or at least it was for me. Getting my autism diagnosis was hugely liberating in that I could stop blaming myself for the autistic behaviours I have. Up until them I’d regarded them as moral failings such that, for example, failing to make eye contact was being selfish. If I did it, it was my fault, it meant I was a bad person, and should try harder. The diagnosis took that guilt away but it also meant that – with my Christian hat on – I had to confront why God would have chosen (in His Infinite Wisdom) to make me autistic. When He could have put a bit more effort in and got my brain wired up “correctly” in the womb which would have saved me a whole lot of trouble. I write frivolously, but you can see the issue.

Perhaps you’re thinking that autism’s just part of the diversity of humanity (which it is) and that therefore it doesn’t (or shouldn’t) be a disbenefit. You may be telling yourself that autism is a super power, which is a well-intentioned thing to think, but obscures autistic suffering. I hope we’re getting towards a society where autism won’t have to cause suffering but in my generation it certainly has done and some of its features will always be disabling. You might have watched Chris Packham’s programme Inside Our Autistic Minds and heard about one autistic man’s frustration that he cannot speak, although he has many things to say. That’s not a blessing to him or a superpower. So if autism can be a profoundly unlucky thing to have, why should God in his Infinite Mercy which I generally believe in, have it in his world, and, not to put too fine a point on it, WHY ME?

At that point my autistic fairmindedness kicks in and I remind myself that actually the world is full of bad things and that the ones that happen to happen to me aren’t special. In fact they’re incredibly minor compared to, many of the bad things happening in the world today. For whatever reasons [insert a library full of theology here] the world is full of suffering, and we as people have to confront it and minimise it.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent, which is the period of forty days running up to Easter when Christians try to notice the many things they’re doing wrong in their lives and, ideally, stop doing them. Lent is associated with fasting, and many people nowadays use it as a time to give up chocolate or some such indulgence. It’s equally worthwhile though to give up an intangible indulgence such as (for example) being self-righteous, pompous, preachy or whatever. Still working on those myself. [Said she self-righteously. And preachily. Ahem.]

Ash Wednesday is a good day for thinking about what’s wrong with the world but particularly what we can all do about it. My bit is I’m trying to raise awareness of the prevalence of autism, the autistic experience and reduce the misunderstanding and shame. [Yay – pomposity – that’s three for three failings in two paragraphs!] There are lots of things that I would like society to do differently to be allies to we autistics, to help us at work, and to make us feel welcome. Ultimately, though, human beings get things wrong, always have, always will, and that includes both neurotypicals and autistics. As we enter Lent, approaching spring and Easter, which is a time of rebirth, I hope I’m right that the world is at a tipping point regarding autism so that while it will always continue full of pain, suffering and wrongness, this area at least might be beginning to improve.

This post has been brought to you by the Collect for Ash Wednesday which emphasises that God doesn’t hate anyone or anything he may have made no matter how much people may hate or reject us, or how broken we may feel.

ALMIGHTY and everlasting God, who hatest nothing that thou hast made, and dost forgive the sins of all them that are penitent: Create and make in us new and contrite hearts, that we worthily lamenting our sins, and acknowledging our wretchedness, may obtain of thee, the God of all mercy, perfect remission and forgiveness; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.