Why is my autistic staff member so difficult??

I’ve written about the autistic experience of feeling bullied and coming to realise it may not be your fault. If that happens, the first priority is to look after yourself – to recognise the emotions you’re feeling and to seek help. But in order to get some change in the world it’s worth reflecting on what it feels like from the other side. A neurotypical manager may simply find an autistic staff member really difficult to deal with. Acknowledging that doesn’t meant putting the blame on the autistic staff member – if you’re autistic you have a disability that is protected in legislation, and the effects of your disability cannot conceivably be your fault. It might help the manager, though, and other leaders in the organisation, to reflect on how and why they are getting wound up. For example, I’ve had an experience in the past when I was finally told what a manager had been reading in to my words – it wasn’t what I’d meant at all – but it was a great breakthrough for me in understanding what had gone wrong.

I find myself talking to autistic professionals from all different organisations and types of jobs and one thing has come out consistently at all levels when things have gone wrong. Where a manager lacks confidence, or possibly even competence, they can find an autistic staff member difficult to take.

The autistic tendency to seek clarification can easily be heard as being undermining. Things like “I thought our goal was to build a relationship with X organisation but you have asked me to cancel all the meetings with them – why?” might not go down particularly well, for example. Specially if the manager had just got mixed up and intended to cancel the meetings with a different organisation, or to re-book the meetings, and had just forgotten to say so. And they aren’t confident enough in themselves to be able to admit to a junior that they made a mistake.

If the manager is uncertain what they’re doing, being asked “but why?” by an autistic who wants to understand a strategy that the manager doesn’t actually have, can feel like being shown up. Being asked “but what’s our vision?” when the manager is feeling “I have literally no idea I just want to survive today” might make them feel got at. Autistic bluntness may also lead to managerial failures getting pointed out in a not-incredibly-tactful way. If the manager is already feeling under threat (perhaps the organisation is undergoing restructuring or their own performance is under question) the manager may be particularly sensitive.

It’s a sad natural tendency to try to shift the blame on to other people. If a manager is, for whatever reason, under pressure themselves, they may be tempted to try to make an autistic staff member the scapegoat. Autistic staff can often get communications a bit wrong – if you’re not doing too well yourself, deflecting senior attention onto “that autistic colleague said something that really upset and offended person X” might feel like a good move. If the autistic staff member really did upset someone that needs tackling, but it’s by no means unknown for a manager to infer that other people were upset by autistic bluntness when in fact the only person suffering is themselves.

I’m describing a failing manager not because they’re common, or because I want to imply that neurotypical people make rotten managers (obviously they don’t!), but because I think there’s a specific problem that autistic staff can fall victim to in this set of circumstances where the manager lacks confidence. The autistic staff members can often be the first to notice things going wrong, so it’s probably not that other staff won’t find they have an issue with a struggling manager, it’s just that the autistic person has an issue first. What’s also worth saying is that it’s not unknown for a struggling manager to be autistic themselves – the fact that you are autistic is no guarantee that you won’t treat other autistics badly. Such being human nature.

As an autistic staff member, there is no greater gift than a confident manager. A manager who is pleased when you point out what they’ve messed up, because it will enable them to put it right. As opposed to a manager who will lash out when challenged. I’ve had a few of both, and I dare say I’ve driven quite a few managers to wish me at the ends of the earth too. I don’t take the blame on myself, but it does help me to have a bit of a rationale why picking on someone like me can feel so tempting.