Supposing something has gone wrong at work – and things go wrong from time to time in the best regulated workplaces. Suppose one or more of your colleagues are a bit biased against you because you’re autistic. And let’s be frank, it happens. Possibly they regard your autistic traits as annoyances or fundamentally believe (even if they don’t say it) that you should “pull yourself together” and be “normal”. Perhaps your reasonable adjustments are all very well in theory but in practice they get forgotten or not done or somehow just don’t feel very important.
The things I’ve said might happen certainly do happen – everywhere in society. No one workplace or culture or place or group is particularly culpable for doing it. It’s just a fact that our society is still getting used to autism, doesn’t understand it very well, doesn’t deal well with things it can’t actually see (such as invisible disabilities); autism is not yet “meh“. You, the autistic person, want to change things for yourself and those that come after, but that means standing up for yourself. And the ways of doing that can be really really difficult.
Complaining – speaking up to someone’s face – is difficult enough because it’s a complex and risk-fraught social interaction. The person you’re speaking to may make you feel foolish, may cause you to question your own experiences, or they may lash out. Or you may become too blunt and lash out yourself. You may become emotionally overwhelmed – bursting into tears as an adult is humiliating and disempowering, as you lose the ability to speak. So it probably feels safer to use “proper process” which exists in most workplaces.
I’m not an HR expert by any manner of means (as this blog probably makes only too clear!) but I have used enough HR policies to know that the first part of “proper process” in solving a problem is to attempt an informal resolution. Which probably means talking to the person who is causing you problems. That’s absolutely sensible and proportionate – it gives everyone the chance to deescalate and chat through the issue, sort things out, and avoid having to use some complex formal process. Everyone’s a winner. Except autistics. Because informal resolution means having to have that face to face conversation – which you fear will go wrong and you will end up in tears or being blunt and rude – that you were trying to avoid.
“But surely being able to talk to people is a key part of working life!” you may be thinking. “If someone can’t actually talk to their manager without bursting into tears then they deserve to be sacked anyway – end of problem.” There’s a hint of truth in that – clearly everyone needs to be able to have professional work conversations – but just putting something in a professional setting doesn’t make autistic issues go away. It might be easier for you as a manager to have non-autistic employees, but under equalities legislation in the UK, you’re not allowed to make that generic (prejudiced) choice.
So how to make informal resolution of issues less stressful for autistic staff? Autistic conflict resolution is likely to be a bit different to what works for neurotypical people. Keeping things literal, factual and not relying on tricks of language, body language and tone is likely to be really helpful. Also starting off by taking as much emotional strain out of the room as possible.
Yes, autistic people need to be able to stand up for themselves, but the way society expects us to do it can be disproportionately difficult for us. It’s all too often the case that an “informal” attempt to resolve a problem doesn’t work for an autistic person because things are done in coded, allusive non-literal language in an attempt to avoid upset, or because the autistic person loses the ability to speak and regulate emotion under stress. If the autistic person doesn’t pick up the non-literal messaging, the problem won’t get resolved, and if they can’t manage their emotions it’ll be perceived as bad behaviour. The stakes are really high and it can all feel far too much like a gamble if you’re autistic.
For an autistic person to feel able to stand up for themselves they’ve got to have trust that things will be fair – even to them – and that doesn’t feel like a given in today’s society. We’re improving, but still far too many autistic people’s problems end up being tolerated because actually getting the problem fixed feels far too risky.
Autistic Civil Servant 