Can you sell yourself?

Writing about performance reviews seems to have touched a nerve – I’ve had feedback from autistic contacts that the concept of “selling themselves” is completely alien and impossible for them. I dare say if you’re a well-intentioned neurotypical manager (and so many people are!) you’re thinking: “everyone finds selling themselves hard – some interview training should sort that!” And in the case of most people – neurotypical people (specially if they have a number of characteristics of privilege such as male gender, white race, being fully abled) it probably will. But with autistic staff it probably won’t. And that’s a hard truth to get your head round.

Training on selling yourself will probably focus on encouraging you to be authentically yourself but the best version of yourself, to be clear about your strengths, and about what you personally (rather than a team you’re in) have achieved. [Full disclosure – I’m appalling at selling myself so I’m speaking from a position of fairly total ignorance here.] But if you’re autistic that simple and positive-sounding set of suggestions comes with a bunch of problems.

Being authentically yourself is a great message but if you’re autistic it’s said to you but not necessarily meant honestly. “Be yourself – no not like that!” is a very sadly resonant joke to a lot of us. Until I got my autism diagnosis I thought that being authentically me (=expressing any autism) was a sign of wicked, lazy, shamefulness that needed to be hidden at all costs. So I wouldn’t have been being authentically me in any importance situation. The nearest to “authentic me” I could have managed would have been the most effective masking of my autism that I could achieve; an attempt at “acting normal”. And I’m not an actress – so while it’s well practiced it’s not a perfect act – and whoever I’m talking to is likely to spot it isn’t truly authentic. Nowadays I’ve got a much better idea of what “authentically me” is, but I’ve also got a sadly clear idea of how much prejudice you may encounter if you tell people you’re autistic. Most of the time people will be great, but all the toxic myths and microaggressions persist in society and sometimes come out, and also, sadly, some people just don’t like autistic people. We’re “weird” and “blunt” and we should really “pull ourselves together and be normal“.

So, any time I’m advised to be my authentic self I have a choice to make about whether to risk the prejudice and be truly authentic, or risk being seen as a fake by trying to appear more “normal”. Taking that judgement depends on making a good guess at the attitude of the person I’m speaking to by reading nuances and body language which – being autistic – I’m not very good at. And by the time I’ve overthought all that, I’m probably not doing very well at selling myself.

Having tackled that can of worms I can turn to articulating my strengths. The same problem arises – do I major on my autistic strengths (such as Integrity; Honesty; Objectivity; and Impartiality), or soft-pedal my autism by focussing on the strengths I have that cut across the autistic stereotype. For example (blushes) I think I’m pretty good at communicating. Which is not expected given I have a communications disability. Every move in the “selling myself” game depends on having made some good guesses about how the person I’m talking to is responding. Far more so when you’re dealing with a label that carries stigma than if you aren’t. As a comparison imagine the you’re applying a woman applying for a top executive job in the 1980s – do you major on your “female” coded strengths (people skills, communication etc) and risk being thought too soft and girly for the role, or do you make yourself out to be “one of the boys” and potentially get rejected as “unfeminine” and threatening to the men? It’s a minefield.

And finally, presuming you’ve overthought your way through the multiple minefields I’ve set out, you’re supposed to be clear about what you personally achieved rather than what your team did. But if you’re an honest and literal minded autistic that’s virtually impossible. I may have (say) written a report, but I’m not responsible for a major efficiency saving as a result of new ways of working that might have flowed from that report – lots of people will have played a part. It’s not literally, honestly possible to say that you’ve achieved something all by yourself unless you’re living on a desert island all by yourself. Even an athlete winning a medal is getting that medal partly for all the work their trainers, coaches, sponsors, nutritionists, family, etc have put in. “No man is an island” as John Donne said. Except for the purposes of interview examples.

So – what to take from that ramble and general grumble? It’s very difficult for we autistics to sell ourselves. We find ourselves in the position of selling marmite to people who either love or hate marmite and we have no way of knowing which in advance. Does this person want to hear about authentic autistic me, or best attempt at faking normal me? I just can’t tell. There are also reasonable adjustments for interviews available and they may also help in performance reviews and other “selling yourself” situations. And every bit of changing our culture to make it more inclusive helps. But if you think you can solve an autistic colleague’s problems with selling themselves with some interview training, then I’m afraid you are sorely mistaken.