The world is full of injustice and that can become overwhelming, particularly for autistic people who have a strong sense of integrity and honesty. To cope we may need things to cling on to, either ideas or “stims” or things staying the same. These might be the things that make sense when everything else doesn’t. As a civil servant, I maintain impartiality and objectivity by being clear that democracy is what matters – the Government has been elected by the UK people, and what matters to me is my determination to deliver the agenda of the people who have been democratically elected. In less elevated moments, though, I also need to do is to distract myself with something to fidget with or otherwise keep my hyper-sensitive senses occupied and not causing me stress. Things to cling onto can be big or small.
Tag Archives: Charity
“Do the little things…”
Much of our public discourse is about big ideas and big clashes – the kind of thing you get on Twitter. People see something wrong and “call it out”, possibly challenging the entire world view of the person who made the original statement. As an example, it’s remarkably easy to find spats between Christians and atheists on social media where each just says the other is wrong, rather than seeking to convince or even engage. I’m not sure that’s how the world gets changed though – for every Road to Damascus conversion (in either direction) I imagine there are a lot more gradual bits of persuasion through coming to see your opponent in debate not as an enemy but a fellow human being. Easy to say, much harder to do, obviously.
Why did You make me broken?
It’s a weird moment when you face that you’re disabled if you have religious faith – or at least it was for me. Getting my autism diagnosis was hugely liberating in that I could stop blaming myself for the autistic behaviours I have. Up until them I’d regarded them as moral failings such that, for example, failing to make eye contact was being selfish. If I did it, it was my fault, it meant I was a bad person, and should try harder. The diagnosis took that guilt away but it also meant that – with my Christian hat on – I had to confront why God would have chosen (in His Infinite Wisdom) to make me autistic. When He could have put a bit more effort in and got my brain wired up “correctly” in the womb which would have saved me a whole lot of trouble. I write frivolously, but you can see the issue.
“I bind unto myself this day…”
The world is full of injustice and that can become overwhelming, particularly for autistic people who have a strong sense of integrity and honesty. To cope we may need things to cling on to, either ideas or “stims” or things staying the same. These might be the things that make sense when everything else doesn’t. As a civil servant, I maintain impartiality and objectivity by being clear that democracy is what matters – the Government has been elected by the UK people, and what matters to me is my determination to deliver the agenda of the people who have been democratically elected. In less elevated moments, though, I also need to do is to distract myself with something to fidget with or otherwise keep my hyper-sensitive senses occupied and not causing me stress. Things to cling onto can be big or small.
Defence against all our enemies
If you’re autistic, some days it feels like the whole world is against you. Autism carries a lot of stigma and autistics are suffering minor (or major) aggressions and cruelties every day in every country in the world. I imagine a lot of that is because human beings tend to fear people who are different. People who are different but it doesn’t show can be particularly worrying – autism being an invisible disability means that society can get “caught out” by us. Has any autistic person honestly never been told “you don’t look autistic?” I suspect if we all did “look autistic” somehow, then society would feel more comfortable about being able to categorise us. Not having a badge that says “autistic” can cause people to imagine we’re just like them and feel somehow deceived when it turns out we’re not. I’m proud of my autistic identity, but I’m also a bit worried about some kind of visible symbol of it, since marking out groups as different with badges doesn’t have a good history.
I’ve said some days the whole world feels like it’s against autistics, but how does that manifest itself? Classic minor aggressions can be things like questioning someone’s diagnosis; “You can’t be autistic – you’re nothing like my child/relative/neighbour etc”.
Outward and inward attack
Autism carries a lot of stigma and autistics are suffering minor (or major) aggressions and cruelties every day in every country in the world. Unfortunately, while many of those are from other people, which is bad enough, quite a few of them are from within our own heads. It seems to be an autistic trait to beat oneself up over the slightest thing, and having started we can find things hard to let go. We’ve spent our whole lives having to live in a neurotypical society that wasn’t built for us, and so it’s probably not all that surprising that we pick up some of that society’s prejudice even against ourselves.
“Do the little things…”
Much of our public discourse is about big ideas and big clashes – the kind of thing you get on Twitter. People see something wrong and “call it out”, possibly challenging the entire world view of the person who made the original statement. As an example, it’s remarkably easy to find spats between Christians and atheists on social media where each just says the other is wrong, rather than seeking to convince or even engage. I’m not sure that’s how the world gets changed though – for every Road to Damascus conversion (in either direction) I imagine there are a lot more gradual bits of persuasion through coming to see your opponent in debate not as an enemy but a fellow human being. Easy to say, much harder to do, obviously.
Exercising restraint
You see something wrong and you call it out. What you’re saying is true, so why don’t people listen? The world is full of injustice and that hurts and needs to stop. Unfortunately, telling people what they’re doing wrong can make them double down on it. Challenging people can make them lash out in their own defence, hardening their position. It may take a more (hopefully) Christian approach to get things done.
Why did You make me broken?
It’s a weird moment when you face that you’re disabled if you have religious faith – or at least it was for me. Getting my autism diagnosis was hugely liberating in that I could stop blaming myself for the autistic behaviours I have. Up until them I’d regarded them as moral failings such that, for example, failing to make eye contact was being selfish. If I did it, it was my fault, it meant I was a bad person, and should try harder. The diagnosis took that guilt away but it also meant that – with my Christian hat on – I had to confront why God would have chosen (in His Infinite Wisdom) to make me autistic. When He could have put a bit more effort in and got my brain wired up “correctly” in the womb which would have saved me a whole lot of trouble. I write frivolously, but you can see the issue.
“Why can you not let it go?!”
A lot of life depends on knowing when to let things go. You see the phenomenon quite often on social media – a person (who may well not actually be autistic) worrying away like a dog at a bone at an issue long after it would have been much more sensible just to step away. When two people are worrying away at the same issue from opposite perspectives, you have the ideal recipe for a flame war and very little chance of resolution or agreement. Polarisation quickly follows and we autistics are quite as capable of being horrible or bigoted as anyone else.
Today is Shrove Tuesday, the day before Lent starts on Ash Wednesday. The name comes from the old word “shrive” which means to confess and get forgiveness for your sins. Christians would use the day before Lent to get their spiritual lives in a good state before starting the Lenten fast. In modern times Shrove Tuesday is more often known as Pancake Day. That’s still about Christianity and Lent though, as pancakes are a good way of using up the “fat” ingredients in the pantry before giving them (or some other food) up in Lent.
Accordingly, I intend to get my total inability-to-let-things-go out of my system before behaving myself for Lent tomorrow…
Autistic Civil Servant 