The First of April – a Rant

The first of April is a deeply annoying day to me, as an autistic person. There are two reasons – one is the aggravating fact of April Fools’ Day pranks. My life is full of the potential for misunderstandings and I have to concentrate very hard to avoid making a fool of myself. The pleasant frisson of wondering which news stories and social media posts are real and which are jokes (that you’ll feel silly if you fall for) is one day a year of fun for the neurotypical. And some April Fools’ jokes have been extremely funny. But the novelty for most of potentially being caught out, is the day to day reality of trying not to seem foolish to me. I could do without extra things trying to catch me out.

But the second reason for aggravation is about the well-intentioned, but sometimes harmful, use of April as “World Autism Awareness Month”. I haven’t suffered too much myself but I know of many autistic people who just disappear from social media in April because seeing all the kindly-meant but patronising incomprehension about autism is just too painful. A piece of “awareness raising” for us but not with us, that has the effect of making our lives harder, is not a good thing.

Why is my autistic staff member so difficult??

I’ve written about the autistic experience of feeling bullied and coming to realise it may not be your fault. If that happens, the first priority is to look after yourself – to recognise the emotions you’re feeling and to seek help. But in order to get some change in the world it’s worth reflecting on what it feels like from the other side. A neurotypical manager may simply find an autistic staff member really difficult to deal with. Acknowledging that doesn’t meant putting the blame on the autistic staff member – if you’re autistic you have a disability that is protected in legislation, and the effects of your disability cannot conceivably be your fault. It might help the manager, though, and other leaders in the organisation, to reflect on how and why a they are getting wound up. For example, I’ve had an experience in the past when I was finally told what a manager had been reading in to my words – it wasn’t what I’d meant at all – but it was a great breakthrough for me in understanding what had gone wrong.

I find myself talking to autistic professionals from all different organisations and types of jobs and one thing has come out consistently at all levels when things have gone wrong. Where a manager lacks confidence, or possibly even competence, they can find an autistic staff member difficult to take.

The First of April – a Rant

The first of April is a deeply annoying day to me, as an autistic person. There are two reasons – one is the aggravating fact of April Fools’ Day pranks. My life is full of the potential for misunderstandings and I have to concentrate very hard to avoid making a fool of myself. The pleasant frisson of wondering which news stories and social media posts are real and which are jokes (that you’ll feel silly if you fall for) is one day a year of fun for the neurotypical. And some April Fools’ jokes have been extremely funny. But the novelty for most of potentially being caught out, is the day to day reality of trying not to seem foolish to me. I could do without extra things trying to catch me out.

But the second reason for aggravation is about the well-intentioned, but sometimes harmful, use of April as “World Autism Awareness Month”. I haven’t suffered too much myself but I know of many autistic people who just disappear from social media in April because seeing all the kindly-meant but patronising incomprehension about autism is just too painful. A piece of “awareness raising” for us but not with us, that has the effect of making our lives harder, is not a good thing.

I can’t see my way!

If you’re autistic, you may be a visual thinker and rely quite heavily on what you can see to find your way. If you haven’t seen where you’re going, in order to think about it you’ve probably had to create an image of it in your head – because you’re visual and can’t think without images. Being stressed about time-keeping, punctuality and getting lost, you’ve probably allowed plenty of time to get there – built in time for any delays walking to and from the station too. But then when sometimes you get near a place and the image in your head doesn’t marry up with reality and you come unstuck.

So WHERE is the wretched meeting?

Imagine you’re going to a conference on a subject you’re really passionate about. You’ve allowed plenty of time to get there – built in time for any delays walking to and from the station – and you’re excited for the day. You get out of the train station though and suddenly you realise everything looks different. It’s London (or any big city) and there’s building work everywhere. The route you walked the last time you came to the city has been closed off. The sight line you were relying on to navigate is no longer there. You panic utterly. And what’s more, even if you do find your way to your conference, you’re so stressed you can’t enjoy it. That panic (and shame) of being in the wrong place and unable to sort yourself out can just take over everything.

I’m not the problem, but I could make myself the problem…

You might be an autistic professional coming to realise that it’s not all your fault if your relationship with your manager or colleague has gone wrong. Or at least that something needs to change. You might be finding yourself in floods of tears at work and wondering whether that is normal. (Spoiler alert – it isn’t.) So what to do about it? A good step is usually to talk to another manager in the organisation – if you’re having trouble with your manager, for example, you can talk to their manager, or HR. Some organisations have employee assistance programmes (details usually on your organisation’s intranet) or colleagues who are specially designated to help others who are in distress.

But what should you say? That can be tricky but here are the sorts of things it’s usually useful for a manager to know when someone in the team is in distress. They are things that don’t come naturally to my autistic brain so it helps me to think about them in advance.

Why is it my fault?

If you’re autistic, you may be quite used to things seeming to be your fault, and you may be prone to mis-identifying the underlying issue perhaps because you’re not great at identifying emotions. Coupled with that, fear of change might make you long for the situation to improve, but feel unable actually to do something about it. That can result in enduring things for too long vaguely hoping that they’ll improve or fearing that any change can only be for the worse.

Why is my autistic staff member so difficult??

I’ve written about the autistic experience of feeling bullied and coming to realise it may not be your fault. If that happens, the first priority is to look after yourself – to recognise the emotions you’re feeling and to seek help. But in order to get some change in the world it’s worth reflecting on what it feels like from the other side. A neurotypical manager may simply find an autistic staff member really difficult to deal with. Acknowledging that doesn’t meant putting the blame on the autistic staff member – if you’re autistic you have a disability that is protected in legislation, and the effects of your disability cannot conceivably be your fault. It might help the manager, though, and other leaders in the organisation, to reflect on how and why a they are getting wound up. For example, I’ve had an experience in the past when I was finally told what a manager had been reading in to my words – it wasn’t what I’d meant at all – but it was a great breakthrough for me in understanding what had gone wrong.

I find myself talking to autistic professionals from all different organisations and types of jobs and one thing has come out consistently at all levels when things have gone wrong. Where a manager lacks confidence, or possibly even competence, they can find an autistic staff member difficult to take.

I’m not the problem!

You might be an autistic professional coming to realise that it’s not all your fault if your relationship with your manager or colleague has gone wrong. Or at least that something needs to change. You might be finding yourself in floods of tears at work and wondering whether that is normal. (Spoiler alert – it isn’t.) So what to do about it? A good step is usually to talk to another manager in the organisation – if you’re having trouble with your manager, for example, you can talk to their manager, or HR. Some organisations have employee assistance programmes (details usually on your organisation’s intranet) or colleagues who are specially designated to help others who are in distress.

But what should you say? That can be tricky but here are the sorts of things it’s usually useful for a manager to know when someone in the team is in distress. They are things that don’t come naturally to my autistic brain so it helps me to think about them in advance.

Am I the problem?

You might be reading this and aware that your relationship with your manager (or a colleague) isn’t great. You might be wondering if it’s something you’re doing wrong. If you’re autistic, you may be quite used to things seeming to be your fault, and you may be prone to mis-identifying the underlying issue. Coupled with that, fear of change might make you long for the situation to improve, but feel unable actually to do something about it. That can result in enduring things for too long vaguely hoping that they’ll improve or fearing that any change can only be for the worse.

My autistic absolutist brain looks for logic in everything. If I’ve failed or been rejected it was my fault. It’s very difficult for me to really believe that I might just have been unlucky, or the fault have been someone else’s. The search for pattern and logic might lead me to agonising over how something bad could have come to happen when what I actually need is practical tips on what to do about it. I’ve had quite a few conversations recently with autistic professional contacts in a range of organisations who’ve been enduring bad relationships with managers or colleagues. Some patterns are emerging and I thought I’d jot them down to try to help others.