Autistic Birthdays…

Today is not my birthday. What it is, though, is my name day, sort of. In some countries they celebrate the day dedicated to the saint after whom they’re named instead of birthdays. I’m pretty sure I remember the characters celebrating their name days in War and Peace, for example. Saint Helen is celebrated on 21 or 22 May in my church – so I’m claiming today as my name day, not in order to celebrate it, but in order to have an excuse to write about birthdays on a day that’s not my birthday. OK – caveats over.

Birthdays can be tricky things for we autistics. In broad brush generalisation terms (every autistic is different!) we like pattern and consistency. So one day following a similar pattern to those around it is helpful, and exceptions and special days can be stressful. Christmas, for example, can be a bit of a trial. There are different sights, sounds, activities, people, settings, times and rhythms for doing things – and any one of those changes could take an autistic person out of their (limited) comfort zone.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s very nice to get presents and attention and feel loved – of course it is. But the pressure to respond “correctly” and handle complex social situations can be quite intense. There are so many conventions to remember and handle – such having to invite people you don’t like to your party, or thank people for gifts that you don’t really want. It’s basic good manners, but it’s also extra reminders of how the world doesn’t make sense to your autistic brain and how you constantly have to “perform” the role of not being autistic in order to fit in.

In childhood celebrating your birthday is a usually a given. With luck, kind relatives and friends will provide presents related to the autistic child’s special interests and generally make the day as manageable as possible so that neurotypical expectations are mostly met, and the autistic child has a good time. In adulthood though there are choices to be made, and I always feel like I’ve made the wrong choice. But that may be because there isn’t really a “right” choice.

My autistic instinct is to do normal things – to avoid making one day much different from those around it. I find large groups of people stressful and parties generally unbearable. Organising a party would be completely out of the question – the level of extra pressure to manage an event would not be pleasurable at all. Working out what food to provide, what music to play, finding a venue – I’m feeling stressed just imagining it. There’s also the issue of people – if you’re autistic you may have a small number of close friends rather than a big friendship group. And as a lot of your social life may be online, they’re may not be close by. So if I were to organise a party, I’m not at all sure I’d have enough friends near enough the venue to make it viable.

Which leads on nicely to the fear of failure and not being a “proper” person that can come so easily to an autistic. If I did want to have a birthday party, I’d feel such a failure for not having a group of friends around me to come to it. It’d be totally reminiscent of being the one at school who wasn’t picked, who was excluded from the group etc etc. Not a good idea.

So probably better – and more enjoyable – not to celebrate. It feels safer to keep things the same. But then there’s the fear of missing out, as well as the continuing fear of failing “peopling”. If I don’t receive cards, does it mean nobody cares? Can I “measure” my “success at peopling” by the number of cards or presents received? It would be a convenient metric… How else can you know if you’re performing adequately at “being a human being”?

My logical, probably naïve autistic brain also reverts back to rules learned in childhood and there’s something about your birthday being the one day in the year when you’re allowed to be the centre of attention and to have your interests put first. Autistic life can feel like a continual attempt to mask, to fit in, and to make other people sufficiently comfortable that they won’t turn on you, so one day in the year when you can let all that go is hugely attractive. Surely your birthday is the one day in the year when your needs will be met without needing to make an effort?

Of course it’s not like that. If people don’t really understand what you need or how your brain works 364 days of the year, your birthday isn’t going to be any different. And as you’re probably not the most popular person in the world, they may not notice (or care) that this one day is special in your absolutist autistic brain.

This all sounds rather depressing and of course it doesn’t have to be. Many autistic people have a lot of fun on their birthdays and all year round. But you can see the tension between doing the “right” thing by social convention which may be something you don’t enjoy, and actually choosing what you would like to do but knowing that society adjudges you a failure. These are tiny problems in the grand scheme of life, but if your mental health has been messed up by most of a lifetime of undiagnosed autism, they can bulk rather large…